Holi-Daze

I'm really, really not looking forward to the holidays this year for, well, reasons...but here they are, ready or not. And even though I just started my Christmas shopping yesterday, less than one week away from the holiday itself, I'm still not in the mood. Yet for some reason, this weekend consisted of the Christmas spirit vomiting all over me.

A visit with Santa? Check.

Wrapping presents? Check.

Building a gingerbread village? Check.

Because, you want to know the truth? It's not about me anymore...it's about what I can do for those who come after me. Because they're the ones who will bring the hope and optimism to the future. So if I have to sit through yet another uncomfortable family gathering...so be it. Because...

...and...

...they're going to fix it. If for no other reason than I won't allow them to have anything less than the world has to offer. 

I love you, my sweeties. ❤️

It Just Takes One

You know how some women get within 20 feet of a baby and their ovaries kick in, wailing and telling them it's time to get crackin' on a baby? Yeah, it turns out...I'm NOT one of them.

I babysat for my adorable nephew tonight, and it was the first time I'd cared for an infant in over two years, since Grace was that little. Being with him, I was reminded of how very different a baby makes life. There's the portable crib to take care of all the naps or as a "storage unit" when whatever task (say, wiping, for instance) doesn't allow a free hand.

Despite eating such a small amount, the kitchen becomes oddly dedicated to meeting those tiny needs.

There were all the softly-scented towels and toys used to wipe the spit that just couldn't be contained in the cheek-y wide-open baby grins.

And then there's the cutest: tiny fingers...

...and tiny toes (which, yes, are covered in socks; I was not going to let those sweet little toes catch a chill!)...

...which are delicate and chubby and just destined to be covered in smooches. And smooch them I did, because this amazing little boy is just too stinkin' cute!!!  

And yet...I loved watching him, and I'll jump at any opportunity to hang out with my sweet nephew, not just so my brother and sister-in-law can have some time to themselves, but because I have fun with him. 

Similarly, if you spend five minutes around me, you know that my daughter Grace is the absolute greatest joy in my world, a love beyond any I'd ever imagined.

And yet...I'm not hankering for more children. In fact, I grow more convinced that my beautiful girl will be my one-and-only (though I never say never because, well, fate can lead you down unexpected paths).

In truth, part of me -- and yes, a substantial part -- feels guilty for feeling this way. If I really loved my daughter and my nephew, wouldn't I want more young ones scampering around my house? Well...no. I love my nephew much as I love my husband or my daughter. I love them with every ounce of my being, but that doesn't mean I want more. Sometimes, more can be too much. Sometimes, for some people (or maybe just me), one is all you need.

Such a Nerd!

One of the most difficult things about telling stories is that it can be impossible to find the right words; one of the best things about telling stories is that there always seems to be someone else out there who can articulate what I can't. 

From kindergarten through, well, about 2:40 this afternoon, people made fun of me for being a nerd (for liking pro wrestling, for loving books, for doing theatre, and on and on). For the longest time, the taunting bothered me. Then, suddenly...it didn't. Not only was I comfortable with myself, but I was happy to advertise my passions to others. Except once that happened, I wasn't sure how to express that contentment. So with the utmost gratitude, I defer to Wil Wheaton (Stand By Me, Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Big Bang Theory) to explain the joy of being exactly who you are. The following is his response to an expectant mother asking, at a comic convention, what it means to be a nerd:

“My name is Wil Wheaton. It’s 2013. And you’ve just recently joined us on planet Earth. So welcome. I’m an actor. I’m a writer. And I’m a Dad. Your mother asked me to tell you why it’s awesome to be a nerd. That’s an easy thing for me to do because I am a nerd.

I don’t know what the world is going to be like by the time you understand this. I don’t what it’s going to mean to be a nerd when you are a young woman. For me, when I was growing up, being a nerd meant that I liked things that were a little weird. That took a lot of effort to appreciate and understand. It meant that I loved science, and that I loved playing board games, and reading books...

and really understanding what went on in the world instead of just riding the planet through space.

When I was a little boy, people really teased us about that, and made us feel like there was something wrong with us for loving those things. Now that I’m an adult, I’m kind of a professional nerd, and the world has changed a lot. I think a lot of us have realized that being a nerd … it’s not about what you love. It’s about how you love it.

So there’s going to be a thing in your life that you love, and I don’t know what it’s going to be. It might be sports, it might be science, it might be reading, it might be fashion design, it might be building things, it might be telling stories [YES!!!] or taking pictures. It doesn’t matter what it is. 

The way you love that, and the way that you find other people who love it the way you do, is what makes being a nerd awesome. The way you love that, and the way that you find other people who love it the way you do is what makes you a nerd. The defining characteristic of [being a nerd] is that we love things. Some of us love Firefly and some of us love Game of Thrones, or Star Trek, or Star Wars, or anime, or games, or fantasy, or science fiction. Some of us love completely different things. But we all love those things SO much that we travel for thousands of miles … we come from all over the world, so that we can be around people who love the things the way that we love them.

That’s why being a nerd is awesome. And don’t let anyone tell you that that thing that you love is a thing that you can’t love. Don’t anyone ever tell you that you can’t love that, that’s for boys … you find the things that you love, and you love them the most that you can.

And listen: This is really important. I want you to be honest, honorable, kind. I want you to work hard. Because everything worth doing is hard. 

And I want you to be awesome, and I will do my very best to leave you a planet that you can still live on."

Thanks, Wil. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Simplicity

Today was one of those days that, even though it was essentially a good day, completely took the wind out of my sails. What makes that even more difficult is that the entire week has been shaping up the same way....and it's not even Friday (soon, soon, so-very-soon!).

I came home with the desire to do nothing more than lounge mindlessly until I got the motivation to go to bed. (Seriously: it's been an absolutely EXHAUSTING week!) 

After managing to piece together a meal for Grace and get her bathed, I set about my business of lounging when I noticed something pretty great.

My effervescent 3-year old was content to snuggle in, television off and tree lights on, as long as we were together (and she thought the tree's reflection in the glass door was the best light show ever!). After tucking Gracie into bed, I found she wasn't the only one okay with this evening's low key plans.

When I took notice of the calm and serenity settling over my home, I also took notice of my own view a la reclining sofa.

There is nothing fancy or costly or elaborate about tonight. It's dark, calm, and quiet, punctuated with a few more cuddles than normal. 

Sometimes it's the silence that speaks the loudest, and I'm glad I was quiet enough to hear its calming reassurances this evening. 

Youth of the Nation

It seems like each generation is more concerned for the following one than the last. Interestingly, I hear this from my students all the time..."I worry about our future." That very notion calms me. If there were adults worried about the influences of Elvis, the Ramones ("hey, ho, let's go!"), Nirvana, and Jay-Z, it seems that, no matter the passage of time, those same worries will continue. It's a rite of passage, actually. 

And for each moment - some painfully long - that I spend with today's youth, I'm reassured about the direction of our future. Why? As it turns out, they're absolutely amazing.

I have one section of Honors English 11 students this year, a first-time blessing I hope to replicate in the future. These kids are not *quite* adults (they're 16-17 years old), but they're definitely not children, either. And I love them. Why? TODAY ALONE -- again, the span of one 33-minute class period-- I had students:

- complain that a peer ruined the end to Of Mice and Men

- state that Of Mice and Men has reinforced his faith in academic reading

- express that society is flawed but worth fixing 

- quote textual support to prove a character is "kind of a ho" (seriously, a direct quote, which I kind of love!!! Lol)

- The kids were stuck on their hatred of Curley's wife, and they expressed it SO WELL! Because, well, she's AWFUL!!!

- explain why self-defense is more important than society's consequences 

And yes, 

- get misty-eyed over the end of Steinbeck's amazing work while

- discussing the literary and symbolic significance 

At 16-17 years old, I just wanted to know where I'd be getting my next burger for lunch. Kids today? They're pondering the existential crises we all face. 

These kids read great literature, evaluate its significance, and apply it to today's world...all while presuming that they're doing nothing more than completing an assignment. Yet, they think and feel and articulate their ideas so clearly that I am constantly reminded of their unassuming brilliance.

The future generations don't see the tremendous power they have, and they underestimate their own influence. So it turns out that their own cynicism is what drives them to excellence: they fear failure and disappointing their loved ones.

I see my students bubbling over with empathy and understanding and humanity: so how can I do anything less than trust that, even in the darkest hours, that the future relies on the overwhelming heart of the next generation?

P.S. There are some days when I. Really. Love. My. Job.

I'm Just a Girl

Everyone talks about today's modern woman having everything, yet most people seem to define "everything" as working outside the home and having a family. Professional lives and personal lives are *starting* to coexist (but don't tell me, or any other woman with SIX WEEKS of possibly paid child-rearing leave, that 'working mother' is a universally accepted notion), which is great. But isn't that limiting? "Having it all" constitutes working for a paycheck while maintaining a happy household? Child + out-of-the-home career = everything?

Well, I love my job, and I'm kind of fond of my kid, too. But the idea of working for money and working for your family, while both rewarding, leave many holes in the overall fabric of life. Isn't there more to life than work?

Women are expected to have (or provide...) fun for their lovers, looking fit and healthy and beautiful at all hours of the day. To which I say...poor, poor Brian.

This is my favorite sleep shirt. It's cotton, oversized, and splashed with a fart joke. THIS is what I give my husband at bedtime. (And as a testament to him, he doesn't bat an eye and, God knows why, still finds me desirable.) 

On top of that, no, I don't like the way I look. I wish I was thinner and taller and beautiful, because really, isn't that having it all? (No, by the way.) But again, I cry foul. When I look in the mirror, I don't jump for joy (and if you do -- weird!). I do, however, sometimes feel extremely proud that I have a loving family, a fulfilling job, and a constant desire to make a better life for me and my family. There's a difference between being unhappy (I'm generally not) and wanting the best for yourself and your loved ones (always). So if we're looking at "having it all," can't we get the job...

...the family...

...the time for ourselves, whether alone or with friends...

...and any other damn whim we wish to indulge?!

Whether intense or irreverent, heavy or frothy, I contend that it truly is okay to seek everything you desire in life. For myself, yes, I do see it as a bit indulgent. But you see, there's this girl I know...

And it's my goal for her to know that, whatever it specifically entails: she can have - and she deserves - everything.

Everything Old is New Again

It completely baffles me when people say that the best years of their lives were in high school. Seriously?! Because if that's the case, I'm pretty sure I did it wrong.

The only reason I'm so happy here is because it's over. Of course, you can't see how much I stressed in advance by visiting the doctor for

1. A more permanent method of hair removal 

2. Medications to clear my skin

3. Heavy-duty antiperspirant for my sweat issues.

So, yeah, if given the chance to go back to an earlier point in my life, it wouldn't be adolescence. No, I'd jump much earlier to the magic, awe, and wonder of early childhood, a time when everything was interesting and entertaining. See? Apparently I even found snack foods utterly captivating.

I often think about this around the holidays. As an adult, the holidays have become about dividing time equally with our different families, "saving" money by buying gifts that are usually gathering dust by February, and constantly checking the road and weather conditions while contemplating what time is too early to break into the (heavily...seasoned) eggnog. Having a child has brought, yes, an extra level of anxiety to the planning...but it's brought an even greater, and much-needed, layer of that long-lost sense of magic, awe, and wonder.

This is the first year that Grace really grasps some of the ideas behind Christmas, and I'm rediscovering the joy myself. Take trimming the tree: the tree is her favorite tradition so far. She's taken it upon herself to turn on the twinkling lights each evening and rearrange the ornaments so they "look better." Ornaments move and break, needles fall on the floor...and it's okay.

She doesn't just love looking at the tree; rather, she revels in being near it. If her stuffed friends can join her, all the better!

It's not all about lights or presents, either. She's excited about celebrating Jesus's birthday, so she's practicing: she loves saying her prayers, methodically holding hands, saying "Dear God," and kissing Jesus after "Amen." 

The draining stress that accompanies the holidays? Still there. The desire to never relive my high school years? Really, really still there. 

But the other thing that's still there is the innocent wonder about a season dedicated to family, faith, and reflection. I may have lost the magic for a time, but Grace came along at just the right time to remind me: it's always been there, and it always will be.