Only in the Darkness

I talk to my mom every single day, usually just to chit-chat & touch base. This past Wednesday, she told me what I've been dreading and awaiting for some time: she and Bob made the choice for him to stop treatment and begin hospice care. I have not, of course, gone through the particulars with Gracie...she is only three, after all. Her solution has been to "get Pop-Pop healthy fruit to make him feel better." She even has the shopping lists with just the right items:

If only it were that easy. I'm struggling with my own cluster of emotions, all while trying to navigate the waters of life-and-death with my beautiful baby girl. And what I keep coming back to, for better or worse, is the matter of choice.

See, I can appreciate that there are some things in life in which we have no input. By the same token, I'm becoming increasingly aware that, no matter what the circumstances, we always  have a choice. And what has been the greatest joy to me is that there are people who choose me. It sounds simple, I suppose, but it matters to be chosen. I have family & friends & assorted loved ones who want me. For instance?

Grace chooses me with fervor. She had no input, no choice, no decision in me being her momma. And yet, when we ask her who she wants, she invariably says, "Mommy!". I can't quite figure how I've earned such a confidence, but it is one I hold precious and vow to keep sacred.

Then there's my best friend Katie. (Sorry for the picture, doll, but you're thinner than I am...turnabout's fair play!). Katie drove the hour-and-a-half to be with me, just because I needed her. I'm not used to people being there for me unwaveringly...and she was, and she always is. 

And most importantly, there's the person who has been the single biggest influence in my life: my brother. Our bloodlines are fucked (sorry, but there's seriously no other word for it) and twisted...and yet my brother is my hero, my soulmate, my savior. Sometimes, life gives you exactly what you need. And from the first moment of my life right up until now...my brother has always been exactly what I need, the only one who really understands me. Life handed him directly to me; how many people get so lucky?!!?

I'm not an easy person to love (or like or even tolerate), and I know that. Which is all the more reason that I value those who seem to find some, well, value in me. And that is all the more reason I can appreciate: 

And man...those stars are just beautiful (and I'm a bit partial to the Little Dipper...just sayin').