Faking It

Have you ever stopped to think about where you are? (And not in the, "Why did I walk into this room?" way, though I do that, too.) More like, when did someone decide I could be a grown-up?

I started teaching fresh out of college. That was one time when I was acutely aware while in the moment: who on God's green earth decided I, an air-headed barely-20-something could be responsible for more than 100 teenagers throughout the course of a day?! FOOLS! Ha! Whew, scary stuff, this career business!

I got married when I was 23 (which, in hindsight...wow, that's young!).

Then I was a ripe old 29 when I welcomed my baby girl into the world.

By my 30th birthday, I had a full-time (relatively) established teaching career, a marriage, and a child. And looking around when I turned 30, I realized that I was an adult. My next thought, one I've had pretty much every day since then, was: how the hell did this happen?!!? I have a house, a family (with pets, by God!), and I even have a desk...at work...with a computer... and paperclips... and a nameplate, all kinds of adult things. Who decided I'd earned this?!

You know what else is on my desk? Various inspirational/optimistic posters/memes that I believe-- wholeheartedly--for my amazing students, for my friends, for my stunning baby girl. 

But you know who I don't believe them for? I don't believe them for me. And I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite because...I'm scared. I'm so scared to do what terrifies me, what I'm afraid to fail at, but even more afraid what I might succeed at. And man...the possibility of success, of greatness...it's damned terrifying.

Everyone fails; it's just a part of the process. But to succeed? That is something unique, something special. And if I can convince even one student to try for the exceptional? Well, maybe, just maybe...I can try for myself. Because, you know...

Whew. Isn't that a scary -- and wonderfully intoxicating  -- feeling?! I think so...and I can't wait to find out.